When Kids Say "NO!"

It’s Okay to say “no”

Most often, as adults, we don’t like to hear children tell us “no”. We may feel children are being disrespectful. However, it is important for children to learn how to say “no”-respectfully. A child who is comfortable saying “no” will be more comfortable using “no” when asked by peers to participate in harmful situations. A child who is comfortable using the word “no” will also feel more strongly about using it in situations where an adult may be trying to take advantage of them.

In our area Live Violence Free advocates visit our schools and child care facilities to discuss stranger safety. They instruct the children to say “No”, run away and tell an adult. However, in 93% (statistic from Stop It Now! The Safer Society Press) of abuse cases the child knows the perpetrator and in up to 50% of the cases, the abusers were under 18 years old! This is why it is important for children to be comfortable using “no” with people they know, as well as strangers. Of course, when children say “no” to us (parents and caregivers), we need to teach them to help us negotiate a win/win situation. Negotiating is a valuable social skill that involves taking your needs and the needs of another and arriving at a solution that will make each party happy. Learning the fine art of negotiation will help our child be successful throughout life and is well worth the initial time and effort.

Children also need us to respect their boundaries- both physical and emotional. When adults don’t respect these boundaries, children do not learn how to put limits on how other people treat them. They may have a more difficult time saying “no” to someone who doesn’t have their best interests at heart. Some boundary invasions include: requiring the child to accept hugs and kisses from relatives when they don’t want them, forcing food or medicine on a child, and entering a bedroom or bathroom occupied by the child without knocking.

It is also very important to acknowledge children’s feelings and not place a value on them- positive or negative. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. Often we hear adults tell a child, “Oh stop crying. You’re fine”. But, comments like this teach a child not to trust her/his judgment. Always affirm the feeling by trying to put a name to it, “You seem very disappointed/angry/frustrated, etc”. 

The information above applies to us as caregivers too. We need to be comfortable using the word “no” with others and the children we care for. Not “maybe”, “We’ll see”, or “If you’re good”. And we need to teach children to respect our boundaries and feelings. The best way to arrive at this, full-circle, is to model this behavior ourselves. With our help, our children can learn to stand up for themselves!

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month