Rescuing Children From Mistakes

As parents, we love our children and protecting them from discomfort and hardship comes easily. Sometimes this spirit of protection is misapplied. Feeling distressed and even culpable, watching them struggle with the unpleasantness of a consequence, we dive in and rescue. It feels like help, but in the long run it be harmful.

Each time our children are exposed to natural consequences, they are provided a priceless opportunity to learn. A natural consequence is something that happens as a result of something your child does (or does not do). The consequence is something that is imposed by nature or by society and not something you as a parent decide or set forth.

• If you child refuses to wear a coat and it is cold outside (after countless pleas on your part), your child will be cold.
• If your child forgets their homework, it will be late and points will be deducted. 
• If your child doesn't take care of a personal item/toy and it will be ruined.

Natural consequences are great learning opportunities for your child. By allowing them to struggle and feel the unpleasantness associated with the natural consequence, their discomfort will drive them to avoid the consequence in the future and/or create a better plan.

If we jump in immediately and rescue them or solve the problem for them, we rob them of this invaluable opportunity to learn what they are capable of. Since the world will continue to offer your child it's own natural consequences in your absence as they grow older, you will serve your children well by giving them skills to cope with consequences while they are still in your care.

Keep love and connection in mind when guiding your reactions to their mistakes. The long term goal is to have them learn responsibility. Your child will still need your love and support during their struggle.

Rather than jumping in and taking control, let them take the lead while you take a more passive role. Acknowledge their feelings and offer empathy,"It must have been upsetting to forget your homework after you spent all that time on it last night." Help them create a plan but let them take the lead based upon their age or developmental ability. "What can you do next time to make sure you bring your homework?" Be supportive and present but don't offer the solution. Letting your child solve their problem with your supportive presence will allow them to feel capable and self-assured. By taking the lead and assuming ownership, they will develop confidence to deal with issues which are certain to arise in the future.

A word of caution:

• Don't use natural consequences if it endangers your child or others. Keep love and connection in mind.
• Don't use natural consequences if it interferes with the rights of others. (i. e. Letting them block a foot bridge preventing others from passing.)
• Don't rely on natural consequences if it doesn't bother your child. If the natural consequence doesn't bother them, you are most likely dealing with a "parent-owned" problem. Read about it here: Using I Messages in Parenting.