Parenting 0-5: Building Better Behavior part 2

Alpine First 5 hosted an 8 week parenting series, using Active Parenting curriculum presented by Carol Ledesma of Choices for Children, for parents of children 0-5 years old. This is the second post in the blog series "Parenting 0-5 years" allowing us to share some of the information presented in the sessions with those unable to attend.

Session 7: Better Behavior part 2

Provide Choices
Giving children choices throughout the day to make choices for themselves gives them a sense of power, helps avoid power struggles, and helps them learn decision making skills. 

• Provide only 2 choices at a time. Young children aren't ready to be given a long list of choices, especially an open-ended question. Rather than asking, "What would you like for lunch?" ask "Would you like a sandwich or a burrito for lunch?"

• Both choices offered should be okay with you. If you ask them which of two activities they want to do, you should be able to easily accept either as a choice.

• Do not make everything a choice. Making choices is difficult for young children so be sure to gauge their readiness for another choice. Try to keep a balance between offering safe power through choices rather than frustrating them with too many choices. 

Acknowledge feelings
Acknowledging and honoring your child's feelings is important in teaching problem solving. Don't deny, reduce or discount how they are feeling.

Simply listen to how they are feeling. "Wow, you feel strongly"
Actively listen "You are disappointed."
Acknowledge and restate limit "I'm glad you told be how you feel. You still need to go to bed."
Acknowledge and offer to help "You are frustrated with your shoes. Would you like me to help?"

Once children know and accept their feelings they can move on to working toward a solution.

Provide Consequences
After you remind your child of the rule they do not comply, you can give a choice. She can follow the rule or choose from a consequence to help her learn how to behave. The second choice is a consequence.  "You can stay here without hitting me or you can go to your bedroom to hit your pillow. It is your choice." If she stops then she chose to behave. But if she hits you again, that means she chose the consequence. "I see you chose to go to the bedroom. Tell me when you are ready to come out and stay here without hitting." 

4 Good Rules for Consequences
1) A consequence is a real choice. Both options are acceptable to the parent. "You can pick up your toys or I will put them away for a week." The parent must be willing to put the toys away and keep them up for a week.
2) The consequence is related to the child's behavior. There is a connection between the behavior and the consequence. "If you aren't hungry enough for the meal I have prepared, you're not hungry enough for other food."
3) A consequence is both gentle and firm. Your voice is pleasant and factual. "Do you want to put your coat on or do you want me to do it?" Your tone is not meant to threaten to help. A threat is used to frighten or shame a child into obedience rather than offering a real choice. Threats hurt, punish and lower self-esteem. With consequences, your voice should be calm and firm.
4) A consequence needs follow through. If your child refused to choose, you must do what you said you would do. "Do you want to walk to bed or be carried?" If she runs away, pick her up and say, "I see you chose to be carried." Follow through is critical. The quicker the follow through, the quicker your child will learn. If you are not going to enforce the rule, tell your child you have changed your mind. "I have changed my mind. You may jump on the sofa if you take your shoes off." If you don't tell them they may assume you don't care about the other rules either.

For more information these topics visit out posts....
Acknowledge Children's Feelings
Really? Punishment is 'Out'