Why set limits?
Limits help a child feel safe & healthy. Setting limits shows your child you care and won't let things get out of control.
Limits teach children how to set limits for themselves. Over time, children learn how to keep themselves safe & healthy by making good choices.
Limits help children learn how to deal with unpleasant feelings like disappointment, anger and frustration, increasing their emotional self-regulation.
Limits create respect in relationships. Build-ups of resentment and anger can be avoided when both people feel respected.
Even if we agree limits are important we may waver because:
We don't want to deal with complaints and whining (it can grow tiresome quickly).
We don't have time (our list of obligations can be overwhelming).
We want to be liked (who doesn't?).
We aren't clear about we actually want (kids are unclear about what is "okay")
We feel guilty when our children are disappointed.
We don't like conflict and try to avoid it.
We may not have had our boundaries respected as children.
Knowing how important setting limits is for our child's future and acknowledging the barriers we can set ourselves and our children up for success.
Good limits should be clear, reasonable and consistent in order to be effective.
 |
| Keep in mind these three simple rules to help guide you in setting limits |
Be clear
Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do. "Walk inside" is clearer than saying "We don't run inside". Use a firm kind voice as well as body language that is non-confrontational but firm.
Be consistent
Avoid giving mixed signals by being upholding limits off and on. Tired parents may not want to approach a potential conflict but you can guarantee your child is keeping track. With improved consistency the number of conflicts should decrease and so will the time and effort- not unlike most worthwhile investments.
Give them a reason
In order for children to learn how to set limits for themselves you will need to share the reason along with the rule. Sharing the reason allows children to understand the situation and the effects of the limit on the people around them. While you won't need to do this each and every time, it is best to consider offering a reason in most cases and before they can ask "why".
Offer a win-win solution
You can also help your child learn problem solving by offering a "yes" after the "no".
"Blocks are for building. If you throw them you will hurt someone. If you want to throw something, we can play ball." Acknowledging your child's feelings and helping them satisfy their needs safely helps your child to look for positive solutions.
Acknowledge feelings
Sometimes there will be no win-win situation and your child will be upset, mad, angry, or disappointed. Acknowledge how they are feeling. "It sounds like you are frustrated. You really wanted to continue swimming." It's okay for your child to be uncomfortable; sometimes you won't be able to give them what they want.
Take action
If your child, another person or property is in danger of being hurt or damaged you will need to step in immediately. "I can't let you block the bridge. Other people need to get through. Please move over or I will need to help you."
Anticipate and plan ahead
Limits will be reflective of your child's current developmental level and will change over time. Understanding child development and your child's personality will allow you to set age appropriate expectations and not expect more self-regulation from you child than she has developed. Example: If you need to go to the DMV and your child is young and active, have someone watch them while you go or make an appointment to decrease wait time and bring along a few activities and snacks. Expecting a young child to wait in a long line without misbehaving is beyond their current level of self-regulation and is setting both of you up for disappointment.
Please note that babies don't need limits. Their job is to learn to communicate and trust people. When a baby cries, she is trying to tell you something. Honor this communication and problem solve to help meet her needs.
Meeting your child's Five Critical Emotional Needs of your child will also make setting limits and sticking to them easier because of the strong connection you will create with your child.
For more information on guidance visit our posts:
Parenting Your 0-5 Year Old
Really? Punishment is 'Out'
Rescuing Children From Mistakes
Using "I" Messages in Parenting
Avoid "If" "Then" Rewards
True Child Discipline Takes Time
Create Positive Behavior Change
Decoding Misbehavior
No comments:
Post a Comment