Mine! The Trials and Tribulations of Sharing

Sharing is a social skill that many parents want their child to learn to do well. It is also an expectation that parents have of their child very early in life. However, many of us do not realize that sharing is a skill with many steps that develops over several years. Sharing is a concept that is not fully in place until a child is 7 to 8 years old. Learning to share require understanding, patience and coaching from adults.

• Crawling infants and young toddlers are into everything and will grab anything from another person because they are curious by nature and the ever-growing world around them is filled with new, interesting things to explore and examine. If they see an object that interests them,they will take it.
• Toddlers don’t share because they don’t understand what sharing is. They are the center of their world. “I, me, my, mine” summarizes a toddler’s world. They have a hard time understanding another person’s point of view. Caring adults can coach toddlers to notice others’ feelings and needs.
• Toddlers and preschoolers need to understand ownership and be secure in the ownership of their things before they can extend themselves and share. When toddlers and preschoolers know their things will come back to them, they are more likely to share. They may never be able to share “special-to-them” items.
• Toddlers and preschoolers fight over things because they don’t understand the concept of taking turns – they want it now! Adults are needed to teach turn-taking (an early form of sharing) to them.
• Young children will become very stubborn and uncooperative if forced to share because forcing a child to share is asking the child to give up their right to fully explore and learn from the activity or object they are involved in. Teach a child how to ask for a turn and how to wait for a turn. Show respect for the child who is using an item by letting the child make a personal choice to share. This is much more effective in teaching sharing than telling a child they need to share.
• Adults will ask children to share everything, even special toys. Yet adults will often reserve their right not to share everything they have such as cars or credit cards. We expect more sharing from children than we expect from ourselves.

Creating feelings of generosity in our children is very important to most parents. By providing support during this long and complex process, we can guide our children toward social competence.