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| Need to Feel Secure |
This is the sixth article in a weekly series focusing on "Raising Emotionally Healthy Children". We started by reviewing a summary of the Five Critical Emotional Needs based upon the works of Dr. Gerald Newmark in his book "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children".
The Five Critical Needs are: the need to feel respected, the need to feel important, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel included, and the need to feel secure.
This week we will focus on children's need to feel secure.
In order to feel secure children to have the following elements in their life.
Their parents have a good relationship
Parents are the primary role model for their children. How they treat each other shows children how to treat others. Remember, adults have the same five emotional needs as children (the need to feel respected, important, accepted, included and secure). When parents can meet each other's critical emotional needs (regardless of whether they are married) their children will benefit with feelings of security.
They have a caring, affectionate home environment
To feel secure children need parents to show them affection. The words "I love you" mean so much more when your actions support your words. There is no guidebook on how to show affection- just do what feels right for you and for your child. Also remember that boys need just as much affection as girls.
Their family has rituals and traditions
Rituals and traditions to celebrate events help children feel secure. While it seems there is always a holiday to celebrate, be sure to create family rituals and traditions unrelated to holiday and birthday celebrations or vacations. Daily rituals such as reading before bed, sharing the best part of the day at dinner, or participating in activities such as walking, jogging, swimming, hiking, etc. can help bring family members closer together.
Parents control their fears and anxiety
Worry in a natural phenomenon for parents, but keeping it under control is important so children don't grow up in an atmosphere of fear and trepidation. One of the most significant things parents can do for a child is to create an environment where the adults are relaxed, happy, interested in life, and enjoying it. While this may be easier said than done considering the stresses life can bring, it is important if we are to raise children with hope and joy. Parents should be sure to nurture themselves so that their resulting positive attitude supports feelings of security in their children.
Children are provided discipline
Children need structure, without it they won't feel secure. Setting limits helps children guide their own behavior.
Family rules need to be simple and few to be most effective.
3 simples rules:
- Show respect for yourself
- Show respect for others
- Show respect for property
Use consequences rather than punishment. Punishment usually involves forcing your child to do something, or in contrast, revoking privileges. Punishments are often designed to make your child feel bad about his behavior (shaming) so he won't do it again and are often arbitrary invoking feelings of hostility in the child.
Using natural or logical consequences protects your child's five critical emotional needs.
Natural consequences are things that happen in response to your child's behavior without your involvement. Logical consequences happen as a result of a child's action(s), but are imposed by the parent. Using consequences, rather than punishments, allows children to see the results of their behavior (cause & effect). Natural and logical consequences help children develop self-discipline. In this way, they learn to anticipate negative consequences and exercise self-control to avoid them. Punishments deprive children of this opportunity- and let's face it, we can be around them 24-7, 365 days a year keeping track of their choices. Our role as parents is to help them learn how to make good choices, especially when we aren't around.
Natural consequences are things that happen in response to your child's behavior without your involvement. Logical consequences happen as a result of a child's action(s), but are imposed by the parent. Using consequences, rather than punishments, allows children to see the results of their behavior (cause & effect). Natural and logical consequences help children develop self-discipline. In this way, they learn to anticipate negative consequences and exercise self-control to avoid them. Punishments deprive children of this opportunity- and let's face it, we can be around them 24-7, 365 days a year keeping track of their choices. Our role as parents is to help them learn how to make good choices, especially when we aren't around.
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