Children Need to Feel Respected



Need for Respect


This is the third article in a weekly series focusing on "Raising Emotionally Healthy Children". We started by reviewing a summary of the Five Critical Emotional Needs based upon the works of Dr. Gerald Newmark in his book "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children".

The Five Critical Needs are: the need to feel respected, the need to feel important, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel included, and the need to feel secure.





This week we will focus on the need to feel respected.

A critical emotional need of children is to feel respected. For that to happen, they need to be treated in a courteous, thoughtful, attentive and civil manner - as individuals, deserving of the same courtesy and consideration as others. One of the best ways for children to learn about respect is for them to feel what it’s like to be treated respectfully and to observe their parents and other adults treating one another the same way.

When you consider that over 95% of a child's behavior is learned by imitation or modeling of those around him/her and only 5% is learned from direct instruction, you can see the importance of modeling treating others with respect and by giving children the same respect we expect them to show us. A child cannot learn to be respectful when they are taught in a manner that embarasses or humiliates them. In addition to providing a poor model for how to treat people, sarcasm, belittling, and yelling invoke a cortisol stress reponse in children, seriously impairing their ability to learn learn, reason and make decisions. Children learn best when they are relaxed, in a positive state of mind, and receptive to the information.

If we want children to grow up feeling respected and treating others with respect we need to:

• Avoid sarcasm, belittling, yelling; we need to keep anger and impatience to a minimum
• Avoid lying (even it we think it is for their benefit)
• Listen more and talk less
• Command less and suggest and request more (after truly listening)
• Consistently say “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me” “I’m sorry”—to both adults AND children.
• Become conscious of our mistakes, willing to admit them and ready to make corrections. When we model disrespect, we then model apologizing.  

It is just as easy and takes the same amount of time to say, “I’m sorry honey. I don’t have time right now,” rather than “Can’t you see I’m busy? Stop bothering me!” With children, a simple act of courtesy can go a long way. Remember, it isn't just our choice of words, it is our tone of voice, our body language, and our timing. Give your child your full attention, with eye contact and kneel down to their level. Be sure that your timing is appropriate so your child is afforded the same privacy and respect you would want when you might be having an important discussion. Ask yourself, "Would I say those words, in that tone of voice to my good friend?" Erma Bombeck wrote a great story about this very thing titled, "Treat Friends, Kids Same" by Erma Bombeck

When children are not treated with respect, it can lower their self-esteem which may result in rebelliousness and disrespectful behavior. When this disrespectful behavior is met with commands or belittling by the adult, the cycle of disrespect continues.

Ghandi said, "We must become the change we want to see in the world"

Joseph Chilton Pearce (an American author of a number of books on child development) said, "We must become the people we want our children to be."

Multiple copies of this book are available for loan in our Resource Libraries.