Really? Punishment is 'Out'

Yes, punishment as a discipline technique is 'out', 'obsolete', 'dated' and 'passé'.

As it turns out, punishment is just not effective at preventing misbehavior in the long run.
The reason it doesn't work is motivation. It's not that kids who are punished aren't motivated not to misbehave- it's just that they develop new ways to deal with their mistakes.

The goal of punishment is to have children follow the rules. Punishment uses external controls: child misbehaves ------->  attentive adult chooses punishment. The catch- the adult must be present and attentive to enforce the punishment every time. Punishment most often results in a child feeling angry, resentful and discouraged. To avoid punishment and the negative feelings associated with it, the child may lie about misbehavior, especially if the adult has not been watching.

So naturally you may be asking....."What should I do when my child misbehaves?"

You may be disappointed to hear that there is no fixed process to follow. But here are a few tools to add to your parenting "tool belt".


1) Connection should come before correction. Be sure your child's 5 critical emotional needs are being met.

2) Allow your child the opportunity to experience the consequences of their behavior (granted they are not dangerous).

Consequences come in two forms: natural and logical

Natural consequences result naturally from your child's behavior. Natural consequences only work if they are undesirable to your child and you do not interfere.

• Don't remind or prompt your child.
• Don't say, "See what happens when you ______."
• Don't tell him what the consequences will be.
• Don't jump in and "rescue" your child from the natural consequence (again, granted they are not dangerous to your child).

As an example, your child does not put dirty clothes in the hamper and leaves them in their room on the floor. The consequence is they won't be washed if they don't make it to the dirty laundry hamper. You don't need to say anything. Your child will learn, if they want the item washed, they need to put it in the hamper.

Logical consequences result from your child's behavior but the adult determines the outcome.

• Logical consequences are better than natural consequences when the natural consequence would be dangerous to your child (Child doesn't wear bike helmet. Child crashes and hurts their head).
• Logical consequences are also better if the natural consequence interferes with your rights or the rights of others. (Your child throws a toy at someone.)
• Use logical consequences if the natural consequence is too far off for your child to see the connection- for example...cavities are a natural consequence of not brushing teeth.
• Also if the natural consequence does not bother your child, you will need to create a logical consequence. (Your child continually throws his toys and breaks them but it never bothers him.)

Logical consequences must be: Related to the behavior, Respectful of the child's 5 critical emotional needs, and Reasonable.

Logical consequences need to be presented as a choice rather than a demand. Tone of voice is critical.

To demonstrate the point:
A child has his legos out and walks away. Their family has planned a trip to the movie theater. His father begins by telling him to pick-up the toys. When the child refuses his father says, "If you don't pick up the toys you can't go to the movie."  In this situation, the father's response frames this as a "punishment".
To frame the same situation as a "consequence".....When the child refuses to put his toys away, his father responds by saying, "I know you are excited about the movie. We can leave for the movie as soon as you have put your toys away."

When consequences are related to the behavior children learn what effects their behavior has. If a child breaks a friends toy, the child isn't punished by being scolded, put in 'time out', or having one of their toys taken away. You can however discuss how the friend can no longer use their toy and have your child help come up with a solution. This may involve helping repair the toy, saving money and buying a replacement toy or perhaps the child would give one of their toys to their friend. The central ideas are to involve your child in the problem solving process where they have choices AND the consequence is related to the behavior (or "fixes" the effect of the behavior).

A couple of other things to keep in mind is that misbehavior is often a child's attempt to get a need met. Later we will discuss some of the common reasons children "misbehave" and how can help them meet their needs.

Related resources available in our Resource Libraries:
"Raising Emotionally Healthy Children" by Dr. Gerald Newmark
"Positive Discipline" by Dr. Jane Nelsen
"Love and Limits" by Elizabeth Crary
"Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols
"Unconditional Parenting" DVD with Alfie Kohn