Using I Messages in Parenting

This month during our Active Parenting in 3 session, we talked about using "I" messages when communicating with our children.

But first we must go back to what we learned in our first session, last month. Problems or issues can be 1) parent-owned 2) child-owned or 3) shared.

Questions to ask yourself when determining who owns the problem:

• Who needs or goals are being blocked? Who is bringing up the problem?

                 You want your child to clean-up, she refuses.....

                 parent-owned. 

• Does the problem involve health and safety or family rules or values?

                Your child doesn't want to wear a coat out in 30 degree weather....

                 parent owned.

• Is the problem reasonable for your child's age and developmental level? 

                You want your 2 year old to wait patiently in line...she is having a hard time....
                 parent-owned. 

If the problem is parent owned, discipline will be needed.
If the problem is child owned, support will be needed. 
If the problem is shared, a combination of discipline and support will be needed. 

For today's purposes we will discuss how to send an "I" message to your child when you run into a parent-owned problem.

No one likes to hear negative "you" messages.
"You always leave your toys out. I'm tired of tripping on them."
"You need to wear a jacket or you'll freeze" (well that one's not so bad)
"Shhh you need to be quiet and sit still."

Instead, come from a place of stating the problem, sharing your feelings, why you feel that way and make a request.

Now before getting started with "I" messages, always begin with a polite request.
"I notice you are done playing with your toys, will you please put them away?"

If you get a refusal or ignored then move to your "I" message.....

State the problem: "I have a problem with you leaving your toys on the floor."

State the feeling: "I feel taken advantage of ....

Reason for the feeling: "because I pick the toys up even though I didn't use them."

Make request: "I would like you to pick up your toys before you go outside."

If your child drags her feet about picking the toys up, give her firm directions- with few words.
"Toys up. Now"

Hopefully she complies and you can move on.

In case she doesn't give an either/or choice:
"Either you pick up the toys or I will and I'll put them away in the garage for a while."

Or you can give a when/then choice:
"When you pick up your toys you can go outside and play."

These are both logical consequences because they are related to the problems.
Work on sending "I" messages for Parent-owned problems this week.

For more information on consequences visit these previous posts right here on our blog:
Really Punishment is 'Out'?
Decoding Misbehavior
Children Need to Feel Secure
Create a Parenting Plan

We also have a copy of Active Parenting Now in 3 in our resource libraries for you to borrow.