All Children Need to Belong

After reading, "The Need to Belong: Rediscovering Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" by Norman Kunc our thoughts about children's five critical emotional needs, connected parenting, five protective factors, inclusion and culture began to intersect into a real "aha" moment. Let us first begin by looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  According to Maslow, after a child's physiological and safety needs are met, they must attain a sense of belonging in order to develop self-esteem. First belonging, then achievement.

Mr. Kunc explains that it is not uncommon for adults to focus less attention or bypass a child's belonging needs and skip to achievement. "However, in our society, especially in the field of education, it has been assumed that child's sense of self-worth can be developed from a sense of personal achievement that is independent of the child's sense of belonging." With all of the pressure to get children ready for school, for college, for a career it is understandable why belonging is often given only cursory attention.

This is unfortunate because, if their need to belong is not met, children assume that their worth as an individual is based upon their achievements and is therefore conditional. A child who struggles with learning may then feel unworthy and children who do attain achievement feel they must continue to "hold the bar" in order to maintain their sense of belonging.

"Without a social context in which to validate a person's perceived worth, self-worth is not internalized." Children need to feel accepted, loved, needed, valued and important to others regardless of how they look, behave, or perform. This concept show us why true inclusion (regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, gender, disability, etc.) is critical to a child's self-esteem, achievement and future. Only when all children are truly included and feel they truly belong can they develop self-esteem and achievement in the context of their communities.

To foster a sense of belonging in children:

• Offer your child plenty of opportunities to connect with other children in their communities (school, neighborhood, religion, extracurricular activities, etc.)
• Encourage cooperation between children. Children need to develop reprocity skills and do so by having opportunities to practice. Today's spat on the play set at the park will transform into a win-win compromise when they are adults.
• Acknowledge each child's contribution. Every child is unique and has something worthwhile to offer the group.
• Give each child an opportunity to help with responsibilities associated with the group/community. Being an active participant in their communities helps foster a sense of belonging, creating a sense of interdependence over independence. 
• Be sure to encourage a child's efforts over the outcome or achievement. "You tried really hard" instead of "You did it!"
• Provide regular times to really connect with your child, focusing solely on them.
• Be sure your child knows your love for them is unconditional. "I love you no matter what."
• When providing guidance, focus on your child's behavior and problem solving rather than on them as a person. "You broke Ellie's toy when you threw it. She is really sad. What do you think you can do to make it better?" rather than "Why did you throw that? I am really disappointed in you."

Fostering a sense of belonging can also help reduce overall misbehavior. Dreikurs & Adler proposed that much of children's misbehavior is directed toward getting their emotional needs met with a goal of connection and belonging. When children feel as though they belong, their behavior improves!