Children Need to Feel Accepted



Need for Acceptance

This is the second article in a weekly series focusing on "Raising Emotionally Healthy Children". We started by reviewing a summary of the Five Critical Emotional Needs based upon the works of Dr. Gerald Newmark in his book "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children".

The Five Critical Needs are: the need to feel respected, the need to feel important, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel included, and the need to feel secure.

This week we will focus on the need to feel accepted.

Children need to feel accepted as individuals in their own right, with their own uniqueness- and not as objects to be molded. Children’s identities are formed over time and continue to form well into adolescence and into young adulthood. The acceptance and respect a child gains from his parents can contribute to him having a positive self -identity.

Acceptance can often be a challenge for parents because of their strong desire to keep their children from feeling hurt, staying safe and keeping them happy. With the propensity to be a "problem solver" or "protector" parents often miss the opportunities to truly listen to their child. When parents overreact to feeling or requests, suppress their child's feelings or are overly critical- they miss the opportunity to connect with their child and help them feel accepted.

In an example Dr. Newmark uses in his book, a high school senior asks his parents if he can camp out on the beach with a group after the prom. The parent's first response is, "Are you crazy?" This emotional reaction on the part of the parents was most likely motivated by fear of their son engaging in what they perceived as a dangerous activity. However, acceptance does not involve right or wrong. Acceptance does not imply agreement nor is it encouraging. Acceptance is listening. Acceptance is trying to understand and acknowledging a child has a right to their own point of view. Dr. Newmark then shares an alternate course for the scenario- this time with the parent listening. In this scenario the parent replies, "Yes, I guess it would be exciting, but I have some reservations; with the kind of crimes that are occurring these days, it would make me very nervous. Let's think about it, and we'll discuss it some more." By being considerate of the child's feelings, the topic remains open for discussion with a greater probability for finding an amicable solution for both child and parent.

In another example, the author's shares a story of a child who confides with his mother that his friend is mad at him and won't play with him. The mother replies, "Don't be silly; he's not worth thinking about. Anyway, you have plenty of other friends." The mother may have been trying to protect her child from feeling hurt. In an effort to protect children from "negative" feelings, parents often suppress the child's feelings. This may convey the idea that being upset when something negative happens is bad and denies the child the opportunity to explore his feelings. Understanding that feelings are neither "right" or "wrong" the mother may have responded, "I guess it hurts when a good friend is mad at you." Parent's don't always have to do something about a child's hurt feelings. Just being there and listening may be enough comfort to the child. This concept of suppressing feelings can also be applied to those times where childrens' fears and necessity intersect.....immunizations. Parent's may say, "It won't hurt at all. You are being a baby" or they can accept the feeling and say, "I know you are scared. I'm right here."

The last pitfall to avoid is being overly critical. The reasons for the criticisms can be valid or invalid, reasonable or unreasonable- or a mixture of both. Too much criticism can put a damper on conversation and negatively affect the relationship. So give yourself a well-deserved break and "don't sweat the small stuff" despite what well-meaning relatives, neighbors or strangers may tell you. Parents don't have to react to everything.

Last but certainly not least, be liberal with positive reinforcement. Use praise liberally but for real accomplishments and be specific. "Thanks for putting your dirty clothes in the laundry basket" instead of "Thanks for cleaning up".

In summary: Accept your children as people in their own right and act accordingly. Recognize their accomplishments, don't sweat the small stuff, emphasize the positive, and when you must say "no", do so with love.

You will never be able to satisfy all of your child's wants, nor would it be good if you could. You can, however, meet their critical emotional needs- the need to feel respected, the need to feel important, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel included, and the need to feel secure.

Multiple copies of this book are available for loan in our Resource Libraries.