Decoding Misbehavior

What is it they NEED?

Children misbehave when they are trying to get a need met. Their misbehavior is an attempt to communicate a need, just not in an acceptable way.

As adults we need to do 2 things. 1) Identify and help meet the need. 2) Help the child develop a better way of communicating the need for use in the future.

Based upon the information above, we can conclude that this learning process takes time, patience and practice.

According to social psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs there are 4 mistaken goals of misbehavior.

1. Attention
2. Power
3. Revenge
4. Avoidance

With many discipline methods, child does "x" and preset consequence of "y" always occurs. For example, "time outs" used to be in vogue. Child misbehaved and child was always sent to the time-out chair. Over time (pun intended) time-out lost is zeal since it was really only effective some of the time and began to be seen as an ineffective tool for managing misbehavior. The reason for the variable results in most of these "prescribed" techniques lies in the differences in motivation behind the behaviors, the NEED behind the behaviors. If the motivation behind the behavior is attention, sending them to "time out" is not meeting that need.

Of course, determining the need behind the behavior is not nearly as automatic as enacting "time out" but the end result is less misbehavior in the long run- because you will be meeting your child's need.

When your child's goal is ATTENTION:
She may constantly interrupt you, keep you busy, whine, or enlist other methods of directing attention to her. The key here is that the behavior seem to extinguish for a short period of time after the attention is given and then ramp back up as time moves on. Also note that it is "undue attention" or attention that is being sought in a negative way that is of issue.

As a parent you may be reminding or nagging often, coaxing your child to complete task and feeling increasing frustration as you see your time gobbled up and your list of chores multiply.

What your child needs is your attention. However, in the above situations, your child is using negative behaviors such as constant requests, whining, and ignoring your requests to solicit your attention. Your plan of action involves a short term and long term approach.

In the short term, make the negative behavior less effective by avoiding eye contact and not responding by talking. For example, if you are talking on the phone and your child is interrupting acknowledge them by drawing them near but do not look or talk to them.

In the long term, begin filling your child's emotional tank up throughout the day. It is essential to meet your child's five critical emotional needs daily. When your children feel satisfied emotionally, their need for attention will have been met and the mistaken goal of attention will decline markedly.

When your child's goal is POWER:
He may be stubborn, argue often, push to be in charge, lie, disobey, do the opposite of what is asked or refuse to do any work at all.

You may be feeling defeated, threatened or angry. You may feel you must force your child to obey and show your child who is in charge.

In the short term present your requests as choices rather than directives. Allow your child power within acceptable choices.
Do not be drawn into the power struggle. Imagine yourself and your child as two fingers in a finger trap. When both fingers are pulling, no one wins and the struggle continues.......
Let go of your fixed position.
Negotiate a "win-win" situation. Explain what you need.
Ask "What would you be willing to do?"
Give the child space to withdraw from the conflict. Continue your presence but hold your words.
Do the unexpected. Our children are great observers of our behavior patterns. When we do the unexpected, we break the pattern of a power struggle.

In the long term make sure your child's five critical emotional needs are met. When your child feels important and included in family decisions, activities and household responsibilities, your child will feel included and feel powerful. Be sure to set clear limits on behavior and not go overboard conceding. It is a balancing act of giving safe power and safe limits and a happy median will be met with time and patience.

Also note that many power struggles happen during transitions. Be sure to provide your child plenty of notice about what will be happening next and what your child will need to do. Make sure you build time into the transition where you aren't rushing for compliance and putting your finger in the trap- so to speak.

When your child's goal is REVENGE:
Your child may be destructive to himself and others. He may blame others for being "unfair". He may feel unlikable and say no one understands him.

As a parent it is hard to see your child engage in destructive behaviors without feeling the need to step in and teach a lesson. After all, this is often the expected response many adults feel is necessary when a child is displaying destructive behaviors.

However, remember when your child's mistaken goal is revenge, your child is feeling very discouraged. Pushing back with punishments and ultimatums is not going to meet your child's underlying need.

As a parent follow these steps to redirect your child's feelings of revenge.

1. Be sure your actions and words are kind and put a hold on punishments.
2. List 5 things you love about your child.
3. Protect yourself from getting hurt. Leave the room if you are being abused physically or verbally.
4. Make amends to your child. Admit what mistakes you have made with your child.
5. Reconnect with your child. Do something you both like together and avoid buying your child something out of guilt. Your child needs your love and guidance and not material objects.

Bonus activity: Read "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children" by Dr. Gerald Newmark and search RECH on our blog for a list of posts about meeting your child's five critical emotional needs.

When your child's mistaken goal is AVOIDANCE:
Your child's actions are reflective of their low self-esteem. As parents it is hard to see our children fail at something or make mistakes. If we jump in an rescue them, saving them from mistakes and protecting them from natural consequences, we are depriving them valuable life experiences. Mistakes are an important part of learning. In order for your child to begin seeing himself as capable he must believe you see him as capable. So instead of rescuing, offer your child genuine encouragement and the room to make safe mistakes.


For more information on the 4 mistaken goals check-out:
"Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn J. Kvols
and "Positive Discipline" by Dr. Jane Nelsen

Both books as well as "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children" by Dr. Gerald Newmark are available for loan in our Resource Libraries.

Check our our Positive Behavior Support post for a parallel view on decoding misbehavior.