Children Need to Feel Important

Need to Feel Important

This is the fourth article in a weekly series focusing on "Raising Emotionally Healthy Children". We started by reviewing a summary of the Five Critical Emotional Needs based upon the works of Dr. Gerald Newmark in his book "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children".

The Five Critical Needs are: the need to feel respected, the need to feel important, the need to feel accepted, the need to feel included, and the need to feel secure.






This week we will focus on children's need to feel important.

Feeling important refers to a child’s need to feel: “I have value.  I am useful.  I have power.  I am somebody.”  Children want to participate and contribute to their world in meaningful ways. They want to know their presence in the world is valued. When children feel important, positive behaviors naturally follow.

It is natural for parents to want to protect their children from the the dangers of the world. However, when parents are overprotective and set up excessive limitations on their children's activities, children’s sense of power is reduced in addition to limiting real opportunities for learning. Children learn by exploring their world and we need to encourage their curiosity, experimentation and desire for adventure by allowing them some freedom to explore. Because something is possible, we frequently act as if it were probable. By realizing that many things we fear are highly improbable, in can help us say "yes" more often and worry less. We begin saying "yes" more to low-risk activities while keeping "no" for those high-risk activities.

At the other end of the spectrum is overpermissiveness. If you find you never or rarely say “no" you may be trying to satisfy most or all of your child's “wants”. Children who have most or all of their wants met are very likely to develop a false sense of entitlement with unrealistic expectations on the realities of life. Begin by separating your child's “wants” and “needs".  Meeting your child's health and safety needs along with the five critical needs is essential. "Wants" can certainly add to the quality of life, but be sure to balance your child's "wants" within the context of life's- and your- reasonable limitations. When saying “no” to any "want”, it is important to do so in a way that honors the five critical needs.

Listen to what children have to say. Often we talk; we lecture; we give advice; we tell them how to feel and what to think; we overpower them with words. We should be listening and paying more attention to what they are saying, thinking and feeling.  Give your children your undivided attention, even when you only have a few minutes.

When parents make all decisions and solve all problems, children miss the opportunity to grow in self-confidence and develop good judgment and decision-making skills. Asking children their opinions and listening to their answers, contributes to their sense of “I am somebody”. Give your child experience making smaller, age-appropriate decisions - dressing, menu planning, family activities, pet-care, etc. Give your child plenty of opportunities to contribute the the household by completing "real work" (chores).

Allow your child plenty of opportunities to share decision-making and power. Giving your child "safe power" not only lets them practice making decisions, it allows them to feel important in a safe way. Be assured parents still have some control since they offer the choices. Just make sure you can live with any and all of the options you offer. There can't be a veiled "right" answer or choice; be prepared to accept your child's choice.

If we provide constructive, meaningful ways to make children feel important, they will not need to engage in inappropriate destructive activities to convince themselves and others that “I am somebody”.

Multiple copies of the book are available for loan in our Resource Libraries.