Praise and Rewards



“Good job!” it’s the newest catch-phrase spoke by parents to their children, teachers most often fall back on either rewards or punishments, or both. Along with telling your child “Good job!” many parents and teachers offer sticker charts, sweets, toys, privileges, awards or money. In the long run, however, positive reinforcement, in these forms, do not work.

Offering rewards for performance and compliance grew in popularity after studies on mice resulted in a desired behavior. (ie The mice navigates the maze for the cheese). The excitement grew as these techniques, modified of course, were used to influence human behavior.4 However, humans are definitely more complex than mice. Yes, if humans were offered a reward, indeed those offered the reward were more compliant. However, people who are offered rewards to complete a task, put in less effort and creativity than those who are offered no reward.2 Rewards stifle risk and creativity because the only motivator is the reward itself.

What happens when the reward is no longer meaningful or no longer available? The child has no internal motivation to complete the task or behavior. Rewards teach children to ask what’s in it for them and they end up focusing on how to get more and better rewards. In the long run, the reward will not succeed in sustaining the behavior.

Children who are given rewards as motivation tend to be less sure of their own ideas, easily influenced to back off their original position and change their mind, less persistent with difficult tasks, and less likely or sure to share their own ideas with others for fear of rejection and failure.1,2 In a study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity (ie “Good sharing”or “I’m so proud of you for helping”) tended to actually be less generous on a daily basis than other children were.1 For example, a child may share a sandwich with another child for very different reasons. One child may be doing it to attract praise, another may be doing it because she knows her friend does not have enough to eat. The latter motive, is of course the most altruistic. Instead, if your child does something nice for someone else focus on the effect that deed has on the other person. “Abigail was so happy when you shared your sandwich with her. She really enjoyed it.”

A secure sense of self is something all parents want for their child. Self-esteem means that children feel good about themselves. The key is that they feel good about themselves in the presence or absence of your verbal approval. If you continually give children vocal praise for their achievements they come to depend upon your vocal approval to continue to feel good about themselves.1, 3 Since, self-esteem is not acquired at once but over time, parents can strengthen their child’s self-esteem by spending time with their children, taking a cue from their interests and seeking information and involvement in that area of interest.3

Self-esteem is more likely to be fostered when children are esteemed by the adults in their life: treated respectfully, asked about their opinions and having their opinions and views taken seriously.3 It is important to give children realistic and meaningful feedback. Success and failure are both normal parts of life and should both be addressed as they arise. Success is not possible all the time and it is important for children to know that you will love them, no matter what. Give unconditional love and support instead of saying, “Good job”.1,3 Depending upon the situation, this might be an opportunity for your child to work on problem solving to create new strategies to increase success.

Moreover, another component of self-esteem stems from how well children get along with their peers and members of their community.3 Children who have strong social-emotional skills will develop strong relationships in their community and have a healthier self-esteem than those who have a difficult time socially. Consequently, due emphasis needs to be placed on the child’s social-emotional health- this is the foundation for all other learning.

Cheering your child on can be a hard habit to break and can really seem cold-hearted at first. But focus on what you can offer in its place, which will be infinitely more effective......

• Give children real work to do that presents a challenge- caring for a pet, helping prepare meals, etc.3
• Children receive a real sense of accomplishment from real work along with the value and contribution as a member of a group. Expect your child to be capable and let them try new and challenging activities. As a rule, give your child one more new responsibility each day.
• Say nothing or say what you saw- narrate. “You put your shoes on by yourself” so your child knows you noticed.1
• Talk less and ask more....”How did you figure out how to make a pulley?” 1
• Children need acknowledgement and positive feedback so focus on how they feel about their accomplishment, rather than how you feel.4

Remember, life isn’t all or nothing. There is no need to swear off the words, “Good job!”. However, the tips above will go much further in helping your child feel truly appreciated and able.

1) “Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” Alfie Kohn, Young Children: September 2001

www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

2) “The Risk of Rewards” Alfie Kohn, ERIC Digest: December 1994

www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/ror.htm

3) “How Can We Strengthen Children’s Self-Esteem?” Lilian Katz, ERIC Digest: Summer 1995 www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content2/strengthen_children_self.html

4) “Rewards and Praise: The Poisoned Carrot” Robin Grille

www.naturalchild.com/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html

Resource available at our office:

Books

Beyond Self-Esteem by Nancy Curry & Carl Johnson

How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children by Gerald Newmark, PhD

How to Talk to Your Kids So Your Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

A Hooray Kind of Kid by Barbara Reider

Me, Myself, and I: How children build their sense of self by Dr. Kyle Pruett

Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols

DVD

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason featuring Alfie Kohn