Kicking and Screaming- Surviving Tantrums

Young children, especially toddlers, don’t reason. They can’t. The reasoning, logical part of their brain is still developing. Young children get frustrated easily when they try to control their world and do not succeed. They don’t have enough vocabulary to express their needs with words; they have short attention spans and a hard time controlling themselves. A tantruming child is a child who has lost self-control.

Regaining control is not easy and requires the help and support of a patient adult. A tantrum can become a power struggle if the adult tries to overpower and overwhelm the child.

Preventing Tantrums

• Know your child. Are they hungry, feeling ignored, tired or stressed? Quickly take care of his/ her needs. Check out our post on the H.I.T.S. list.
• Schedule appropriately. Over-scheduling creates tension and can lead to a tantrum.
• Look for patterns. When and where do the tantrums occur? What can you do to break the pattern?
• Make agreements ahead of time. Children will do better when they know the limits and what is expected of them. Rehearse what is expected.
• Notify your child of changes ahead of time. When children don’t know what will happen next, they feel out of control and this can lead to tantrums.

What to do?

• When a tantrum is due to testing limits, don’t give in. Wait for the child to quiet and calm, leave the room if the child is not in danger. Stay nearby and be available.
• Or, you can do the unexpected, like talk in a silly voice or mirror the child’s intensity without mocking them. Restate the limit and expected behavior calmly.
• If there is a power struggle, refuse to negotiate until the child has calmed. Acknowledge their feelings. I know you are upset/ angry/mad because ________ .
• Teach problem solving and win-win negotiation. State what you need and see if you can compromise. "We need to leave now because _________. Would you like to carry the keys to the car for me?"
• If the child is frustrated, break task into small steps. Be sure expectations are not too high. Make sure the child can follow the directions given.