Parents: Nurture Yourself

Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
~John Crudele

Parenting is certainly one of the most deeply rewarding life experiences. But rewards in life don't usually come without challenges. One of the more obvious challenges of parenting can be the physical limits of time. There often doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day and tasks still remain as bedtime approaches. Another challenge, often overlooked, are the limits of energy and spirit parents feel from time to time.
Burnout.
It's symptoms are feeling overwhelmed, overworked, irritable, resentful, depressed and weepy.
It happens when you try to get everything done, done well, done right- balancing work, kids, house, finances, relationships and other commitments, staying up late to finish tasks and getting up early to start on tasks. Burnout may be a feeling single parents or parents of children with disabilities are familiar with if there are less supports available to them and more challenges present. It can be hard for parents to set time aside- just for themselves. But just as the flight attendants warn, "Put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help others if you can get air." So set time aside to give yourself "air"- time to nurture yourself.

Burnout leads to negative thoughts like worry, fear, guilt, anger and resentment which really inhibit the ability to take positive action and greatly limits parenting effectiveness.
Worry without a plan of action really drains energy and keeps us from focusing and prioritizing. Worry is a negative distraction. Fear of making mistakes keeps us from taking any action. Guilt takes away the self-confidence needed to take action. Having a positive plan of action is a critical element of effective parenting. Anger is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed. It is okay to feel angry, what you do with the feeling is key. First realize you are angry and identify why. What action would help you feel better? Learn to use "I" statements to communicate. "I feel angry when the house is messy". Then you can move on with a plan and request help in a way which respects your child's feelings.
If you don't communicate your feelings and request help, resentment will follow.

Dealing the normal stresses of the day while experiencing those negative feelings of burnout will make it difficult to be an effective parent. To be an effective parent you have learn to take time for yourself. Nurturing yourself can take many forms because for everyone it will be different. Think about something that helps you relax, feel refreshed and makes you happy. It can be a cup of tea and reading a chapter of a book, walking or other physical activity, calling a friend, or even saying "no" to a request. Find those things that give you joy and set time aside to do those things. Time being a finite resource- you are going to have to learn to let something go. Prioritize your time and let some of the "stuff" on the bottom drop off the list. Giving yourself time will help give you some focus and energy you may be missing.

If you don't have many supports in place or available you may need to be more creative about creating time for yourself. Take time for yourself on your lunch break. Trade care with a friend you trust. Alternate alone time with your partner or another single parent so you can each have time to nurture yourself.

Ensure you are meeting your physical needs with adequate sleep, physical activity, a balanced diet, adequate hydration and sitting down for meals.
Another way to nourish yourself, which doesn't require any additional time, is to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. As human beings we usually have no trouble treating those we care about with kindness and understanding, afford yourself these same feelings.

Accept yourself for who you are today. You aren't perfect. You are a work in progress, as we all are. Set time aside for you. You deserve it and you NEED it.

"If you nurture your mind, body and spirit, your time will expand. You will gain a new perspective that will allow you to accomplish much more." - Brian Koslow

For more information on this topic, read Chapter 1 of Kathryn Kvols book "Redirecting Children's Behavior" available for loan in each of our resource libraries.

For a Parent Self-Care Plan and a Parent Self-Care evaluation form check out Appendix E & F in "How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children" by Dr. Gerald Newmark.
We have several copies for loan in our Resource Libraries.