Helping Children Become Masters of Change

Change is inevitable and can result in stress from the confusion and uncertainty that accompanies it. Studies have shown that adults with high resiliency master change more easily that those with low resiliency.

Resilient People

• People who are resilient have a healthy sense of self-worth. They are confident about their abilities-focusing on their strengths and acknowledging their areas of weakness.
• They are comfortable making decisions and set realistic goals.
• People that are resilient also tend to keep life’s events in perspective. They look at the big picture in life and have a positive view of the past and future.
• They actively look for solutions to problems and often see problems as an opportunity to make improvements.
• They try their best but realize that effort and results don’t always go hand in hand so they keep trying and persevere.
• Resilient people are able to acknowledge their own feelings and address conflict openly in order to resolve problems.
• They have a strong connection with other people in their lives. They are able to seek support from people in their life in appropriate ways and are effective communicators.
• Resilient people are physically active and active participants in life.
• They are kind, generous and gracious. They often have developed compassion for others- seeing other points of view and wanting to make the world a better place. This compassion is realized through service and contribution to the world, their community and the people in their lives.

Now you might be saying to yourself.....

“Wow the world could sure use more people like that!” We couldn’t agree more. But how do you nurture resiliency in children in a world that seems increasingly full of conflict, stress, and violence? The answers may surprise you and you may be pleased to know you are already on the right path.

The path to resiliency begins with secure attachment.

Children need to know that there is at least one adult in their life that loves them unconditionally. This is why secure attachment from infancy is so critical. Children who feel like they belong and are significant and important to the adults in their lives will be more resilient than those who feel acceptance is conditional. Cheryl Erwin explained at one of our local events in Tahoe, “Connection should come before correction”.

• Adults should focus on what children do well and empower them with many safe choices over time. This allows them to develop confidence when making decisions that are more critical later in life.
• Show children you care by setting aside a small block of time to give them your undivided attention and really focus on listening to them- which also provides children a model for empathetic listening. Be sure to talk about feelings. Having a strong emotional intelligence and large emotional vocabulary will serve children well in life.
• Adults should discipline a child in an authoritative (democratic) manner. The “Cliff’s” notes version to describe this method is using high kindness and high firmness. Discipline should be used to teach attitudes and skills- not to punish, control or bribe. Adults should focus on solutions rather than blame or consequences. Mistakes should be viewed as wonderful opportunities to learn.
• Adults should also encourage effort and progress, not just results. Learning that instant results aren’t often possible is a priceless lesson for children. Gratitude comes from working, failing, trying again and waiting. Also maintain high expectations for success. Children will rise or sink based upon our confidence with their abilities.
• Try your best to maintain routines as they give children an increased sense of security. And don’t forget to take care of yourself. You can’t truly be focused and attentive to the needs of the children in your life if you have not adequately met your own needs.

For more information on secure attachments check out our posts on the 5 Critical Emotional Needs based upon the works of Dr. Gerald Newmark.

Also check out Cheryl Irwin's blog on a variety of topics- all related to connection.